Recently, in the course of my daily business, I found it necessary to deal with a man who walked around with a little electronic device attached his ear that made him look like somebody out of Star Trek. At first I though it might be some sort of hearing aid, but it was so big and sleek and obvious I knew that couldn't really be the case. Also, he was wearing this awful Mediterranean euro-garbage suit, so my worst suspicions of fashion jackassery were confirmed when I found out the device was actually one of those new-fangled hands-free phones.

The "traditional" hands-free mobile phone, I'm sure you know, is a small earphone that goes inside the ear and has a wire connected to the mobile phone in your pocket, with a microphone on the wire. When used, the microphone hangs close to the face. If you're walking down the street talking on the phone and somebody doesn't notice the wire, it really looks like you're one of those crazy homeless people talking to themselves.

With the clip-on-the-ear phone, you not only look like you're suffering from dementia, you look like a complete idiot to boot. The worst thing about this guy was that he left the thing on even when he wasn't using it, as though he were going out of his way of to announce to the world, "I'm a total prat." Very curious.

If you're determined to make that kind of statement, here are a few specimens.